It goes without saying that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the faces (face?) of some of our favorite childhood movies and shows. Naturally, the entire world is super pysched that three of their movies will be available to stream on Hulu in May. But before you go all out and start wearing capri pants and chunky Skechers to celebrate, I’m going to break some harsh news to you: Olsen Twin movies make absolutely no sense.
Have you actually watched an Olsen Twin film recently? I have, and let me tell you, it is a life-altering experience as a grown-ass adult. As a kid, I think I probably missed all of the plot holes because a) I was a literal child and b) I just assumed that having a twin must be really wild all of the time. You can switch places! And match outfits! And go on adventures! But now, I’ve experienced about 15 more years of life, and I can catch this shit from a mile away. Here are a few Mary-Kate and Ashley moments that are truly baffling.
‘Getting There: Sweet Sixteen & Licensed to Drive’
Mary-Kate and Ashley play sisters Taylor and Kylie Hunter (side note: they always had cool girl names!) who have just received their driver’s licenses. To celebrate their 16th birthday, they plan a road trip to Salt Lake City to catch the Olympics, because it was 2002. Getting There’s plot starts to flop when they make a pit stop and walk out to realize that NBD, their car was stolen. Instead of freaking out and finding the car, they just continue trying to get to Utah. Okay, Olsen Twins.
When they finally make it to the Olympics, Taylor is bummed because she missed the event her athlete crush, Alex Reisher, was skiing in. She ends up skiing with him all day, but does not realize it until she sees a photo of them in the paper a month later. This is super unrealistic for a million reasons, but mostly because if you’re willing to drive to Salt Lake City just to see a hot athlete, you should prob like him enough to recognize him while you’re spending the afternoon together.
‘New York Minute’
New York Minute is yet another Olsen movie where the twins play sisters who look identical, but are actually totally different from one another. They live in New York state, but head into Manhattan for the day because Jane is trying to get a scholarship to Oxford and Roxy is hoping to make her way into a Simple Plan video shoot. In typical Mary-Kate and Ashley fashion, nothing goes according to plan and the entire day is a hot mess.
Sure, it can be tricky to navigate New York City as a high school student in the days before the invention of the iPhone, so it’s not totally wacky that their plans go awry. However, the entire movie is based on Roxy’s struggle with an investigator who has seemingly dedicated his life’s work to making sure that she does not skip school, which is truly ludicrous.
‘Our Lips Are Sealed’
In Our Lips Are Sealed, Mary-Kate and Ashley play twins named Maddie and Abby who have been placed in the Witness Protection Program after witnessing a robber steal a diamond from their local museum. Unfortch, the girls are really awful at keeping their cover, and keep having to move because they can’t stop revealing their true identities. To avoid the assassins that are after them (???), the FBI moves the twins to Australia for protection.
It would probably be easier to point out the parts of this movie that do make sense than to ramble on about everything that would make you scratch your head. To save all of us a lot of time, I’ll leave you with this: that is NOT how the Witness Protection Program works. The FBI is supposed to train witnesses so that this kind of thing does not happen. Also…the FBI is just way too busy to be chasing around chatty teen girls who can’t remember a new fake name.
‘When in Rome’
In this one, twins Leila and Charlie (again, cool names) are off to Rome for a fashion internship. They get fired shortly after they begin because they are terrible interns (how hard is it to use a copy machine?!), but then get re-hired…for some reason. A bad guy steals some dresses from the girls when they’re trying to deliver them to a photoshoot, but Charlie saves the day by designing some new dresses. Also, the girls fall in love with some cute boys.
When in Rome is a classic case of a movie giving interns WAY too much responsibility. In what world would an intern start out working in the mailroom, and then be allowed to design dresses for a fashion house’s photoshoot and face zero repercussions for losing an entire collection immediately after?!
‘How the West Was Fun’
In this one, the twins get their dad fired because they ask his mean boss if he is allowed to use his vacation time to go visit Natty. They don’t even tell him that he got fired. They are 8-year-olds…
So…yeah. Sorry to ruin your childhood, but these films were insane. On the plus side, it’s truly a testament to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s star power. They really hustled hard enough for all of us to convince our parents to buy every single one of these tapes.